What is the meaning of life?
Why am I alive?
Is there really anything out there for me?
At some point in our lives, we’ve all asked ourselves these questions before. While we keep pushing forward in our lives, whether it’s as a student, a businessman or a convenience store worker, we often wonder whether there is more to this, that we have something we could’ve been doing. We constantly strive for improvement, and constantly strive for something greater, hoping that we can find something and make something that is greater than the things forced upon us.
And Killua Zoldyck is no different. As a child being raised as a perfect killing machine to take over the head of the assassin business for his family Killua is expected to go through rigorous training and torture training him to kill without hesitation, and head the family. But yet, with every training and mental manipulation that his family throws at him, there’s something in Killua that makes him strive for more. He questions whether always succumbing to what his family’s expectations of him are truly what he is alive for, and so instead turns his hopes to create something greater, and to find a purpose outside of what the superficial hopes his family pinned for him.
Through his desires to create something greater, and through the desire to prove his family wrong, Killua runs away from home, starting one of the hardest, scariest, but most important journeys of his life. And through watching Hunter X Hunter, we are able to get a first class seat to watching Killua as he goes through insecurities and struggles to realize his importance and self-worth.
(okay, that sounded weird. What I’m trying to say is we are able to glimpse into Killua’s head as he goes through his struggles, but whichever way you want to take it I guess)
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Part One: Family and upbringing
In today’s era, there’s often quite a joke to be made about the way that asian parents treat their children. In their harsh efforts to make sure that their children turn out well, asian parents are known for putting through their child harsh training schedules, making them practice a wide variety of things ranging from the piano to playing chess for nonstop hours, and then when they’re free, making them study in the hopes their children are able to obtain good grades.
While this is a culture that has stretched many, many years, and through countless books about it, there have been cracks. All over the world, children have rebelling from the cruel practice their parents make them go through, hoping that they can prove to their parents that they can live a life and make their own decisions. As the children being born are becoming more and more self aware, and as the human race becomes more and more advanced, the cracks in a flawed system are becoming more obvious.
Such is the case of the Zoldyck family. As the dangerous and most prominent family of assassins in the Hunter X Hunter universe, the Zoldyck’s add a world of colorful characteristics and intrigue into Hunter X Hunter. Togashi paints so many intriguing characters with bringing their own ideas and motives into it.
But the most fascinating thing about the Zoldyck’s isn’t their characteristics, their Nen types, and the style they conduct business, it’s the way their business is done. You see, the Zoldyck’s are a family that revolve around tradition. There is always one child born to head the family, while the rest of the family is made to support that child, and when the next head of family is born, raise that child. While one child is raised to be on the top in everything, the others are all meant to support him.
Hunter X Hunter is good because it doesn’t quite fall into the ordinary jealousy story that usually television shows like to tell. Instead, we get a much more complicated story full of twists and turns, and at first it’s quite easy to find characters like Illumi, Milluki, and Kikyo Zoldyck unlikable. They make Killua emotionally vulnerable and upset, and constantly tell him that he’s not allowed to make friends, that he’s not cut out to be a hunter, that he should instead simply succumb to what his family says and follow their instructions.
Yeah, it looks like mocking jealousy, but there’s a logic to these words. A person who’s only jealous wouldn’t go as far as to go all the way to get Killua back from the Hunter exam. They wouldn’t keep wanting to make sure that Killua realizes that he is nothing without his assassin lifestyle.
The family offers intrigue not because they’re jealous, but instead for a twisted love. Although they torture and abuse Killua, they believe that the torture and the training is necessary for Killua’s own good as well as for the good of the family.
But the idea that they are helping Killua through hurting him like this isn’t true. Sure, the Zoldyck’s might have good intentions, but the still reality of it is that they all have been through some bad shit as well. They’ve all been born and told that they were to play support to a child that hadn’t even been bored. And when the child is born, when they were hoping to get some sort of attention from someone, anyone, they don’t. Through all the frustrations of not having their parents or their family care for them, and scared of their parents, they turn inward, toward Killua and unconsciously project their anger toward Killua. Aren’t you supposed to be the great child, their mind speaks, aren’t you supposed to be the Zoldyck with the most potential.
We’ve seen it in Milluki’s, his semblance of not holding back when beating Killua with a whip. We’ve seen him lash out, saying that his grandpa always spoils Killua. We’ve seen Milluki say that maybe he could be the head of the family, half joking, yet serious. In Illumi, we’ve seen that know-it-all smile that sounds like he knows everything, the feeling he knows what you’re going to do next before you do, that dare-you-to douchebag look. They all try to devalue what they feel through running, through masking their true nature. The badass nature that Illumi poses, the eating problem and the aggressive nature of Milluki has.
So yes, they do love him. The Zoldyck’s put a lot into Killua, but at the same time they aren’t able to really understand him. They force him in a lifestyle of assassin-hood while projecting their own feelings onto him, while Killua only sees the tyranny and the fear that the assassins hold, and after having his feelings disregarded so much, Killua runs away to discover something greater and to prove his family wrong, after all they have done to him. The irony is that in their attempts to make Killua the perfect assassins, they fail to see the big issue:
“What does Killua want?”
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Part Two: What Killua wants
Trying to find something you want to do in life isn’t easy. It’s not as suddenly having the idea of something you really want to do, instead it demands price, it demands you to try new things, it demands you to put effort into it, and most importantly, it demands time.
Time that Killua never had, and still doesn’t have. All his time spent training as an assassin meant that he never had something that he wanted to do. And although he knows he does not want to stay in that house or just submit to his family’s expectations for him, it means that he does not know what to do, a point that his family knows, and constantly uses against him.
What makes it worse is that through his family’s constant mental abuse and asking him constantly what he wants to do knowing it will hurt him more, Killua is led to believe that he doesn’t have the luxury of time. Suffering through the mental trauma that his family inflicted on him means that every second spent not being able to find a purpose means that he is more and more unable to prove his parents wrong. Every second he’s tormented by the actions of his parents, constantly being reminded that if he can’t find a purpose, he’ll have to go back.
That fear is what drives him so desperately to find something. Deep down the badass nature and the confident look is fear that he isn’t good enough to find a purpose, and that his family has hindered him so much that he is unable to return to the real world. Even in taking the Hunter exam, Killua wants to find purpose in the only way he knows how: fighting. And we see this recurring theme a lot in Killua. His brutal smile after murdering two people taking the exam. The fascination in the way he talks about the art of killing to Kurapika, Leorio, and Gon. And when he talks to Wing about fighting and Gon’s enjoying the moment that almost got him killed.
He wants a challenge. He wants something that makes his life worth living, and because he’s never really had any friends, the ideas of someone else helping him has probably never even crossed his mind. So he takes the hunter exam for a thrill, hence him explaining to Gon that he joined for “fun,” and “a challenge”
But in his desperation, Killua doesn’t realize that to find something you love isn’t something to be rushed. It requires time and patience, and to find meaning within doing the things you love while having to suffer through moments of moments of pain to make the journey more meaningful.
It’s not Killua’s fault, though. Even as a 12 year old child, Killua has already suffered through more pain that the average adult does, and although he’s still a child, it often comes to show that Killua is a lot more mature than your usual 12 year old. But this also works against him, the idea and the angst of that pain stuck in his head and wanting him to get out, but also makes him desperate and scared of time. An interesting analogy for this would be a man in a square room, with the walls closing down on him every second. Every second Killua spends wasting his time not being able to find a purpose means that he is one second less from being crushed by the walls of his family’s expectations
It’s a struggle that I’m sure a lot of people have gone through at some point in their lives. Being so desperate to find something, being so fearful that a hated foe was right about you. Maybe you’ve felt the never-ending anxiety biting at you and telling you that you weren’t good enough. If so, you might’ve felt that ever-closing wall as well. It knocks the breath out of you and slowly you start to suffocate while you desperately try to find a way out.
And this can really go both ways, while he is quite a mature child, Killua is still that, a child. He’s still under the influence of his family and still acts to protect himself. So while he is able to take that scary first step, Killua reaches a roadblock, unable to advance any further and mere steps away from giving in and running to his family.
Then comes a Gon.
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Part 3: Killua and Gon
Gon’s character is interesting not only because of the old-school shounen troupes and innocence that he seems to represent, he also serves as a great character foil for Killua. In the first scene they meet, Killua approaches Gon tentatively. In this tentativeness, however, he’s also aware that he so desperately needs someone, so Killua puts on a mask that helps him enjoy Gon’s presence and at the same time, test the waters, being able to drop subtle hints and clues about his past, his emotions, and his mental state.
It’s almost like Killua is trying to set Gon up for failure. While he projects this outward confident nature to Gon, he hides the pain and suffering inside. It always felt like the same thing he was doing to his parents, projecting that they knew nothing about him when he never explained it to the first place while building the frustration inside.
But Gon is different, and slowly, Killua realizes that this innocent 12 year old is more than he might’ve thought in the first place. When Killua tells Gon that his parents are assassins, Gon asks “What? Both of them?” Killua laughs, still playing his part, noting that it’s the first time someone has ever responded seriously. He’s testing Gon, trying to make him crack and laugh along with him, but Gon sees past that, explaining to Killua that he was being serious about his parents being assassins was “just a hunch,” helping Killua truly open up for the first time in his life, even if it is in a joking manner
Gon provides exactly what Killua needs. He provides a child Killua’s own age, someone that Killua can play with and talk to. And even as an innocent 12 year old child, Killua notices that Gon is able to see through Killua’s mental shield and see the person underneath all the masks and parts that Killua plays, something Killua, as a child who has always been bereft of any meaningful connection, never experienced before.
Watching Killua poke around Gon, testing the waters and finally learning to trust someone, it brings me very mixed emotions. While it was heartwarming to see someone like Killua finally get someone he really deserved, at the same time, it makes people feel like crying.
Because although Gon, in his childlike innocence, almost immediately considers Killua a friend, Killua doesn’t trust him quite as quickly. Although Gon has made it farther than people have ever made it, Killua unconsciously doesn’t trust Gon in spite of the fact that he is so desperate for a purpose, instead focusing on testing him further, seeing what kind of person Gon is. So while we desperately want Killua to trust Gon, when the viewer sees moments where Killua starts projecting himself onto Gon and the moments where he feels insecure about having less potential than Gon, we also understand. Understand that he’s a child that has never really had anyone understand. After all the conditioning and trials he’s faced, we understand that it’s almost impossible for him to trust anyone, and yet all we want is for Killua to trust Gon, to trust anyone. And that’s why as we see Killua warm up to Gon, it warms our hearts seeing these two kids interact, and Killua getting the help that he so deserves.
Which makes it harder for the viewers to watch the struggles that Killua goes through with Gon. In the case of Killua, as a child that is so cut off from genuine love and affection and so desperate for it, it means that he is constantly in fear of losing it. In his desperation, Killua sacrifices his emotions and what he wants in favor of what Gon wants. After everything that Gon’s done for him, Killua clings to him, seeing Gon as a perfect being who lowered himself down to compliment him and give him a meaning, and with everything that’s happened, all Killua wants to do is to repay Gon.
And he tries, he tries so hard. On his journey to reach self-worth, he sacrifices everything about himself. He doesn’t know how good of a person he already is;he only believes that he is a good person if he is useful to Gon. He believes that he is only a tool used for Gon’s purpose, and that his one purpose in life is to keep him safe.
It’s a tragic reimagining of a child who only wants love. A child who has been denied that his whole life, running away trying to find something he can appreciate, something he can love like his own. And in doing so he doesn’t understand his worth, and he doesn’t understand that he has always been an important person to Gon.
The irony of it all is that with Killua’s nonchalant, untrusting nature and personality many would expect him to be the one that would betray Gon. That he was the one that Gon would be the one who would probably put more in the relationship trying to prove himself to Killua. But here it’s quite obvious that Killua puts much more into the relationship, to the point that his need for Gon’s friendship comes into conflict with his family’s teaching to run from an enemy you don’t know the power of. Killua even contemplates leaving Gon’s side when Gon gets his nen back, after being told countless times that he is going to have to leave Gon if he can’t break that “bad habit of his.”
And it’s here where the cracks in their friendship start becoming more obvious. As Gon looks forward to his goals, Killua looks back, cleaning up Gon’s mess for him. While Killua is so anxious and terrified that he is disposable and not doing enough for Gon, Gon, being the innocent child that he is, does not notice Killua’s mental struggles with himself. What results is a tragedy between two young boys, boys who aren’t capable of seeing from someone else’s perspective.
And then Killua pulls the needle out.
Illumi’s needle is an interesting object because it’s a physical manifestation for the reach of the Zoldyck family. It represents the struggle for Killua to escape from the family destiny set for him and everything that holds him back from really giving his everything from protecting Gon.
But it also does something else for him. During the climax of the Chimera Ant arc, as Gon’s frightening rage reaches its peak, Gon says the words, “You have it easy Killua, you’re perfectly calm.” Separating himself from the boy that has done so much for him. It’s a moment that’s heartbreaking yet eye-opening for Killua. After going through so much pain and anxiety for Gon, while he goes through pain at first, Killua comes to realize that Gon isn’t perfect; Gon is a human being who makes mistakes, maybe even more mistakes than Killua does. And it’s here where all of his mistakes and good parts about him culminate and Killua is able to realize that he is also human, and while he is prone to make the same mistakes that Gon does, Killua also has some really great parts about him.
He’s able to truly see his self-worth, laughing and joking in a manner that now feels genuine. Finally, he sees Gon as an equal, forcing Gon to apologize after while freely stating his feelings . And, while he still makes mistakes, and he still finds himself being influenced by his family, he is able to see past himself and apologize for his mistakes. He sees his flaws and is able to move past them without having them control his life, and is even able to accept the compliments that Gon provides to him without feeling embarrassed like he used to.
Killua’s story is a journey of triumph, a boy who only wanted to prove himself that he was better than he seemed. It’s a story of anxiety and insecurities, the frightening reach of one’s demons telling him that he wasn’t good enough for Gon and would have to leave him. It’s a story about failure after failure, mental breakdown after mental breakdown, tears dropping one by one onto the ground like rain, and it’s a story about triumph, breaking through, realizing that you don’t have to be anyone’s tool. It’s a story about realizing that you don’t have to be given compliments to be a good person, that in reality, everyone accepts you for who you are.
Togashi’s beautiful execution and passionate, intimate details, make Killua Zoldyck’s character so relatable. While Killua is an assassin with supernatural abilities, it feels like Killua Zoldyck is written with a personal touch with it, so many details that he could almost be writing about the human condition. It’s a touch filled with passion, with the brutal emotional moments that makes Killua’s triumph so much more deserved and worth it.
Killua Zoldyck’s story isn’t just a story about a modern shounen troupe, it’s a story about self worth, and the road to getting there. It’s a awe-inspiring reminder that love has to come from within paired alongside stunning fight sequences and character development.
From Killua’s almost scary relatability to his triumphant victory, Killua Zoldyck’s road to self worth is inspiring. It’s one that tells me there is an end to this road, that through the fire and the flames, there is something worth it in the end. It made me cry, it made me laugh, but in the end, it made me happy. Happy that there was someone, something that understood. Happy for Killua, and happy for the long journey that brought him there.
Thank you for reading.
