Exit.
By Joshua Chen
Wake
From your sleep
The voice of Thomas Edward Yorke drifts into your ear as you open your eyes to the darkness.
“Get up, get up, time for school” the nagging voice of your mother echoes through your ears. You rise from your resting space, the voices ever so insistent in your head. They’re dull, yet just as persistent.
You touch your face. Dry. You must have been crying.
The drying of your tears
Today, you escape.
You escape.
A shirt that’s two sizes too large for you, your homework, and a laptop with the essay you never got to finish. Something black and metallic. You’ve done this before, and you’ve done this a thousand times
Pack, and get dressed, before your father, hears us.
Before,
All Hell
Breaks loose.
You step out from the warmth of your house out into the cold wet weather. It’s dark. The sun hasn’t risen, the lamps are flickering to life like the lightning strikes of a thunderstorm. You trudge alongside the wet grass, heading to your car just parked right alongside the curb.
It’s eerily quiet out. There are no sounds except for the raps of raindrops on the pavement and the voice of ol’ Tom Yorke still in your head.
Breathe
Keep Breathing
You remember that you forgot to say “Goodbye” to your parents.
“Too late, too late” A second voice, and then a third. Maybe you should have gone back.
Maybe you should have never existed
A red traffic light, indicating to stop. A flash of a car’s bumper lights, and screeching of wheels against the rubble as you swerve to a full stop.
You swear. “Shit.”
You weren’t paying attention.
You never pay attention.
A man. A man who sprints toward you, concerned expressions plastering his face. Images of death,rage, and regret fill your mind, the sounds of voices amplifying ten-fold, and suddenly you are speeding alongside the road, his silhouette shrinking until he disappears into the horizon.
Don’t lose,
Your nerve.
First, the outline of a school, then the foreground, and the silhouette of teenagers, their bright smiles juxtaposing the cold, grim weather. They laugh amongst themselves, sharing jokes and stories, while you fight for each waking breath and each step forward.
Breathe, Keep breathing
I can’t, do this,
Alone
Test scores scribbled over with red, and a-bent-out-of-shape math textbook. A folder labeled “Physics”, and a second folder labeled “English”, all tossed to the side. The sounds of screaming and blood, visions of your classmates who lie dead at your feet.
Your hands touch upon a cold, metallic object, pulling it out. You take a deep breath, the fumes traveling through your nostrils, and the voices are quieted and your mind is cleared. You put the device back in its place, and start walking toward your first period class.
Sing,
Us a song
A song to keep us warm
But as soon as it goes, it comes again, the sounds of your failure, the sounds of your regret and your hatred. It jeers at you, mocking you, daring you to take a step forward and scream out all your pain. There’s only one direction this can go.
There’s,
Such a chill,
Such a chill.
Your teacher is calling your name, but you’re not responding, the sounds are too loud for you to hear. She calls your name a second time, but you barely register it, her voice a water droplet in a sea of distortions. A snicker, a mean-spirited glance, then the class explodes, laughter suffocating you.
You can laugh
You’re helpless. The laughter converges on you, coming from all directions, as you sprint out the door, eyes closing, submitting to the pain, the anger, the fear, the anxiety, to the voice inside your head.
Running, Running.
A spineless laugh
You’re back at your locker reaching for metal again. You pull out your rifle from inside, loading it just like you’ve done it a thousand times before, a maniacal laughter exploding from your lips.
We hope your
A woman, walking out the room.
Rules And Wisdom,
Her eyes widening seeing the rifle.
choke you
The concrete pavement taints red as you pull the trigger.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Now
We are one
The screams of children splitting the air
In everlasting peace.
The adrenaline is fading, your face wet with the blood of your classmates. Outside, the sirens of police cars increase in volume. You can hear clearly again.
We hope
that you choke
That you choke
You break open a classroom door, rifle raised to your chin, the terrified squeals of children permeating the atmosphere.
We hope
that you choke
That you choke
The click of a trigger.
We hope
A bang.
That you choke
Then there’s nothing.
That you choke
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