don’t really know what to name this

Josh
2 min readJun 4, 2020

I’ve always hated the people in my school. They’ve always felt annoying, fake, and one sided and I hated how they just kept smiling and being happy. I’ve always been jealous of the kinship that everyone seemingly has with each other and the trust and it’s always been the main goal of me to achieve the family and kinship that they have and feel.

School’s where I’ve always felt like an outsider. It never mattered how my grades were or what choir was in, it always felt like I was shunned from the community and lost. While everyone enjoyed their friends and grabbing a quick snack at the nearest half and half, I was sitting at home playing video games. Even with video games my friends never really reached out to me, playing with themselves and never really letting play with them.

Choir was the same as well. Although choir was promoted as a family area with good relationships I felt that I had been ghosted for 3 years from the people who were supposed to be my “family.” Instead of family I felt anxiety. Instead of friendship I felt loneliness.

And my real family didn’t really help either. I could never say this to their face but I’ve truly struggled to tell them my exact feelings. I don’t want to connect with them and be their son, and it hurts me almost as much as it hurts them.

So I look toward gaming, I look toward singing, I look toward creative writing. Here I feel that I can be powerful, instead of feeling lonely I could feel the rush of power after a headshot kill, instead of feeling anxiety I could sing and write my heart out to the world. I’ve always wanted to be something, well here I am now, tapping heads, singing and writing my soul.

But it’s never really done anything. I still feel lonely. I still feel anxiety and depression, I still crave the attention of my peers and even when I’m out here creating music and art. I want their love, I want people’s respect and even after I’ve tried so hard it still feels like I’m in this bottomless void of no one understanding what I really want.

I don’t play games for others, I play games for myself but I need the attention to survive and I feel that I need to make plays for others, plays I know I can make but whiff. Then I’m scared that people will know me as a complainer, as a toxic person

It fucking terrifies me. I’m scared that I’ll sound condescending and arrogant but at the same time I want my work to be recognized. I’m terrified that someone will ever call me an egotist and that people will expose me for who I am, a terrible human being and everyday it feels like I’m trying to run away from the toxic personality that I’ve brought up but it still somehow finds me in the end.

I feel like I’m drowning in the sea of my own thoughts.

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