Spoilers for Hunter X Hunter ahead
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(don’t say I didn’t warn you)
When hearing discussions about the 2011 anime Hunter X Hunter, I often hear people go on and on about the genius of the fight scenes, the deep philosophical genres that Togashi illustrates using characters like Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio, utilizing the shounen protagonist set in the real world to show the philosophical hypocrisy of a well-meaning but mentally immature protagonist. There have been countless Youtube videos and edits on how HxH is a great anime detailing from the soundtrack to Mereum, that I feel like a character that’s overlooked is in fact one of the main protagonists: Killua Zoldyck.
As one of the main characters, one of the common opinions I get from friends is that Killua is overrated. It feels like there’s such an overused dynamic about Killua and his mental health that I often hear that the only people who like Killua are emo 13 year olds who “relate” to him. Due to the fact that Killua’s struggles are so clear and on the surface, most people make the mistake of thinking that’s all Killua is, on the surface. Sure, hearing about Killua’s literal torture by the hands of his parents is hard enough, and seeing Killua’s pain and struggles throughout the story is heartbreaking, but there’s a general consensus that there are more interesting stories to be told with the revenge arc of Kurapika, Gon’s descent into darkness, Hisoka’s never-changing character arc and Mereum’s humanlike transformation
But in the wake of people dismissing Killua’s character, it’s important to take a step back and rediscover Killua and how Togashi’s execution of his story is so special. Because in the heart of his character arc isn’t some stereotypical tragic backstory or mental health issues that the modern media try to force feed us, it’s something that everyone can relate to; the search for a purpose.
In writing this analysis, one of the largest inspirations I took was a video titled “Killua’s path to self-worth” by Alec’s Scattered thoughts, or more commonly known by his main channel, Aleczandxr. It’s a really well-made video, and I highly recommend that you check his channel out.
In his video, Alec goes in-depth into Killua’s backstory, analyzing the seemingly tiny details about the situation he’s in, his upbringing, and what made him such a brilliantly executed character, using sources and reddit articles to shed a light, his light onto the struggles of Killua.
Because Killua isn’t just a kid. As a child raised from birth to be a world-class assassin, trained in the arts of killing and put through genuine torture to obtain immunity to electricity and poison, one would assume that any sense of humanity or childlike nature would be destroyed, gone with the remorse he had once when he took his first life. But it doesn’t. Instead of the killing machine one would expect being taught to kill from such a young age, Killua’s youthful nature shines through. He runs away from his home for the hope of a new life, that outside of the heartless killing lifestyle his family forces upon him, there’s something, someone for him, someone worth living for.
Listening to this was something that struck a deep chord with me. From childhood, I’ve always felt deep hatred toward my parents. With everything they said, telling me off for every bad grade I got, yelling at me for every small mistake I made, I could yell at them, and succumb to the very things that made my parents what they are with me, yelling and screaming at my uselessness. But instead, I bide my time, holding back my punches, staying silent, so I could build that pain up, building it up to create something pure, something elemental, looking, hoping for something bigger, that there’s someone out there, anyone that truly understands and won’t judge me.
But running away from home doesn’t mean you’re free from the grasps of those tyrannical expectations and memories. Killua is still scared that there isn’t anything out there for him. In the beginning of the story, we learn that he takes the Hunter Exam wanting a challenge. He desperately wants something that gives him meaning, and for him, that meant a challenge. And while the Hunter Exam itself doesn’t offer a challenge, it offers up Gon.
Gon provides Killua what he has always lacked. He provides a friend his age to play with, a shoulder to lean on. In Killua’s desperate attempts at finding purpose beyond the life of a cold-hearted assassin, Gon is a light that shines bright onto the path forward. And although Killua doesn’t miraculously suddenly find meaning in life, he knows that he wants to follow Gon’s path, even if it means heading into the unknown.
Killua’s desperation in finding meaning beyond his family also means that he is terrified of losing it. After all that Gon does for him, helping him find his purpose, giving him a friend and someone to lean on, who believes in him, Killua always feels the need to repay him, being so scared of losing his one and only hope in his dark past. But although he so desperately feels that way, that he needs to pay Gon back after all he’s done for him to keep their friendship, Killua fails to recognize that in everything Gon does for him, he already views him as a friend, that with gon’s childlike nature, he probably had viewed him as a friend the first minute they started talking. Gon assumes that Killua knows what Gon assumes as common knowledge, while Killua desperately tries to hang on to that light. And while he wants so bad to pay him back, the only way he knows how is to protect him in a smothering love.
And so that’s what Killua does. He spends all the time looking out for Gon, looking to protect him. And when Gon loses his nen for a month, Killua goes all the way to stalk him on Gon’s date with palm, ensuring that no harm is done to the child that’s done so much for him.
It’s so much harder especially with the voices of his master Bisky and his brother Illumi ringing through his head, telling him that “Somewhere along the line, you’ll leave Gon to die.” That throughout his training to be an assassin, he’s going to be the one that has to leave Gon; that’s how Illumi raised him.
It’s a terrifying situation to be in. There are so many moments where Killua almost gives up, resolving to protect Gon for the 30 days that he can’t use his Nen powers, and then coming back home, finally understanding that there is no hope, that he is cursed to become the cold-hearted assassin his family always dreamed of him becoming.
It’s a terrible feeling. Having to leave someone that you always thought would be the light in your life, having to go away from him because you realized that you can’t be enough for him, that no matter what you do you’re destined to never be able to help him because of the way you were born and raised the feelings of uselessness, fear, and anxiety, until everything that you build up comes into that one giant mental breakdown as you sob out on the floor, begging for someone, anyone, to help you.
Killua’s struggles with self-worth are so powerful because it’s real. I know a bunch of children who struggle with this, holding a kind of hatred toward their parents. Hiding it in jokes and laughs, but internally it builds up. That hope for a better life, hoping that they don’t become what they despised as a kid, hoping that they can become someone better. Hoping that they’re not alone, just wanting someone to tell them that they love them, that it’s going to be okay, someone who gives them a purpose for their life.
His story is a triumph from that dark abyss of his family. His story tells us that no matter how bad the circumstances you were born in, no matter the abuse your family puts you through, no matter what they shit they do to you and the way they make you feel, that there is a life for you. That there is a hope for you. Togashi does such a good job of doing this, while iterating to the watcher that no one is perfect. You can be the light of your life, but everyone is still human, that they are tangible to the same mistakes that your family made. That light for Killua, as Gon, becomes the darkness, a child unable to accept the reality of the world.
Killua’s impacted me more than I can explain. In this dark world, he’s shown that it is possible to break free even the largest chains of your family’s bindings. It shows us that we’re all human, and that we all make human mistakes, that no one is worth obsessing over like they’re a perfect jesus figure.
We all learn. We all make mistakes. We all have our faults. But now it’s time to recognize the good parts of yourself too.
We’re all here. We all want to break free, hoping for a better life. We’ve all been through the pain of failure, the fear and anxiety that builds up that we weren’t good enough, that we are destined to be cold and alone forever.
But somewhere lies freedom. Somewhere, we find ourselves, and we find a purpose, someone who supports and accepts us for who we are.
I’ve never been tortured. I’ve never been in real fights with magical powers. I’ve never been trained to kill.
But I find myself crying as I write this. It’s 1:45 am, and I cry for all the things that happened. I cry for finally being found. I cry finally having someone truly understand, even if that character is fictional.
I haven’t found a way out. I haven’t found the solution. But watching Killua learn and grow,
It inspired me.
Thank you for reading.
